There is much to share as we happen upon this last day of 2011. The Mayans tell us that this is the last year of life as we know it. Perhaps it means the end of the world, perhaps it means a universal enlightening, perhaps it means nothing at all. Either way, I've been waxing philosophical lately. Maybe it is the company I keep or perhaps it is because I am now a "Master" of Philosophy, but either way I have found myself contemplating that most generic of topics, LIFE. Why am I here? Why are YOU here? And why/how did we find each other?
Over a conversation I had tonight with my friend Jasmin, we discussed self-deprecation, self-acceptance, and how we view ourselves in relation to other people. It reminded me of something I wrote a while ago on how we relate to ourselves what we think our "weaknesses" are. Who we are and how we react and relate to the world are directly impacted by how we view ourselves. Sometimes we don't realise that the WHOLE of who we are has to be made up of the good and the bad. And sometimes these things are the same thing. Our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa.
So, I went back to the vault, and I happened to find the post that I wrote almost three years ago. I thought I'd share it with you because it struck a chord in me tonight. And while not all of them are as true now as they once were, I encourage you to find those things that you may not like about yourself so much and turn them into why you're also a wonderful, whole, complete, and perfect human being.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Blessings and Curses
So I have been contemplating much over the past several months. A trap that I find myself in is my perceived “Inadequacies” with a capital I. Well, fuck that. I have decided that with every inadequacy comes a strong suit. This is a way of realizing my strengths regardless of who sees them as weaknesses (including myself).
The reality: I kick ass.
The alternate reality: I convince myself that I don’t.
I am so full of love for other people, and I deserve to turn some of that inward. So, here is a list of what I perceive as "Truths" about myself and the pros and cons that go with them. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am. And though I want to better myself, I also need to love who I am in the Now. Love for everything that I am, and everything that I am Not.
The Truth: I am an emotional being.
The Curse: I often get too emotional beyond reason. I also find myself in positions of not being able to let certain things go because I am so emotionally bound to the circumstances or people involved. I react emotionally, not logically.
The Blessing: My emotions give me this beautiful feeling of being human. They allow me to be accessible to people in many ways, especially in the ways of love. I also find that emotions create artistic outlet and freedom, and I love that. Plus, I’m able to see the world in the ways of empathy and forgiveness.
The Truth: I am full of passion.
The Curse: I become passionate about some of the most obscure and unnecessary things. Sometimes it’s just a huge waste and misdirection of energy.
The Blessing: I get excited by life really easily, and to me, that’s the whole point of life. Passion gives me hope and ecstasy, love and romance, laughter and friends, and the desire to do more.
The Truth: I often talk about the way I feel.
The Curse: I talk blindly with no thought. Again, operating from emotion, not logic. Sometimes this leads me to verbally vomit, and that gets me into trouble. Sometimes a whole lot of trouble.
The Blessing: Sometimes this creates some killer stories with brilliant comedic timing. It also creates an opportunity for someone to understand how I work a little better, and I think that’s better than forcing someone to guess.
The Truth: I have a lot of quirks or oddities that are far-removed from ‘typical girls.’
The Curse: It makes me the “friend who happens to be a girl” a lot of the time. I tend to swear like a sailor around some people, and I find toilet humor amusing. I also carry a black belt in a martial art, and there are far more men that find that as a turn-off than one might think. Many guys don’t want a girl that would potentially be dominating.
The Blessing: I am unique. And I could kick someone’s ass if I had to. Plus, being a little crass gives me the flexibility to share in different elements of humor, and for some people (men especially) it does create that friendship bond instead of only being sexually charged.
The Truth: I’m a fixer
The Curse: I want to fix everyone and every situation, and I oftentimes cannot let a situation be left alone if I feel it “should” be different. I want to mend other people’s pain, and I want to be the strength in which they find a solution. Sadly, it usually does not happen the way I would like it to. Obviously I cannot fix anything that isn’t directly related to me, and even then I usually don’t have a say in how people react or feel. Sometimes being a fixer also distracts me from my own life.
The Blessing: I am a more open friend, and I try to be a safe place. At the very least, I try to create a space in which my friends and family can come to me for love and support. I think I do a pretty okay job at this. Sometimes being a fixer also distracts me from my own life.
The Truth: I am always searching for love, in any sense.
The Curse: Delusion. Desperation. Neediness. Disappointment.
The Blessing: I am accessible to love, and I am attracted to those who are also searching. At least this way we’re able to find each other.
The Truth: I am impulsive.
The Curse: I am impulsive beyond repair sometimes. Again, has gotten me into a lot of trouble romantically, financially, socially, mentally, physically . . . I have made terrible choices and split decisions based off of nothing else than impulse. I don’t think it through. This leads to fiascoes of all sorts.
The Blessing: I can be a spontaneous individual. Spontaneity can lead to amazing moments and stories and relationships. There is an overwhelming sense of being alive in some of these moments. There are far too many beautiful things that have occurred in the name of spontaneity and impulse, and this is one trait that I am thrilled that I have. It helps me think on my feet in important circumstances, and it also gives me the gift of living moment by moment. . .
The Truth: I am often child-like.
The Curse: I am often child-like.
The Blessing: I am often child-like.
There are more “Truths” to this list, but they are all tying into each other anyway. The storal of the mory is that everyone deserves to love themselves, and weaknesses can be just as much of a strength as a strength can be a weakness. I don’t treat myself with enough grace and acceptance sometimes, and I am the first one to put myself down or judge my own choices. What a silly way to live.
Life is . . . .well, life. That’s all it is. No need to make it more difficult than it needs to be. No matter what has occurred at any point in time, I deserve the freedom of love and self-expression just like anyone else in this cycle.
It may be the only time I have this opportunity.
View from my apartment window in Dublin
